Brett Trout
Patents are a testament to human creativity and ingenuity, but not all of them are groundbreaking in the traditional sense. Some are downright bizarre, quirky, or ridiculously impractical. Here’s a countdown of the top 10 craziest patents ever filed, showcasing the fun side of intellectual property law.
10. The Animal Ear Protector (US Patent No. 4,233,942)
Apparently, dogs getting their ears covered in food during meals is a much larger problem than I would have anticipated. If you are not concerned with your dog ever having a social life, this invention could save you hours of picking kibble out of Fido’s ears.
9. Apparatus for Simulating a High-Five (US Patent No. 5,356,330)
What is the worst part of watching sports alone? No one to high-five. Thankfully with this invention that problem is now in the past. With this disembodied arm resting arm’s length from you sportsball lounger you will never have to feel awkward again. At least until someone visits your home and asks what this is.
8. The Motorized Ice Cream Cone (US Patent No. 5,971,829)
Is licking ice cream too taxing for you? Well, you’re in luck. This invention takes the work out of eating ice cream by spinning the cone for you. Just hold your tongue in place, and let the cone do the rest, as you sit and wait for coronary artery disease to slowly drain the life from your body.
7. The Beerbrella (US Patent No. 6637447)
Although this is designed to keep your beer cool in the hot Sun, with a few minor modifications you can also use it to keep your motorized ice cream from melting.
6. The Bird Diaper (Patent No. 5,934,226)
Tired of your alcoholic Macaw constantly embarrassing you at dinner parties? Well this is the solution you have been waiting for. This wearable “garment” collects cloacal excreta in a disposable bag you can also use to tip your scurrilous Uber driver.
5. The Snake Walking System (US Patent No. 6,490,999)
The #1 problem with snakes is they’re always getting off leash… apparently. Well, problem solved. This patented device provides an adjustable leash system that prevents escape and lets everyone on your block know you’re not some kind of weirdo.
4. The Anti-Eating Face Mask (US Patent No. 4,344,424)
I accidentally read this as “Anti-face-eating” mask. I figured it was some type of Hannibal Lector mask for the bath salt crowd. But if you’ve ever wished for help resisting snacks, this is the face mask for you. Designed to prevent the wearer from eating, it’s essentially a cage for your mouth. Practical? Maybe. Unless you’re eating linguine.
3. Smelly Toilet (Japanese Patent No. 6,899,084)
Euphamistically referred to as a “Biological information measurement system,” this Japanese toilet measures your physical condition based on the smell of your “defecation gas.” Whomever invented this device was certainly a smart feller.
2. The Flatulence Deodorizing Pad (US Patent No. 6,313,371)
Stop people from avoiding you because of your flatulence and go back to having them avoid you because of your poor choice in outerwear. This pad filters and stores an entire day’s worth of smells so you can take them all home and share them with your family.
1. The Banana Suitcase (US Patent No. 6,612,440)
Love to carry a banana with you wherever you go, but you don’t want anyone to know you have a banana? This carryall transports your precious cargo in discrete comfort until you get to wherever it is you are going that you apparently need a banana. Be the envy of all of your bruised banana friends as they wonder in jealously and awe at how you were able to transport your pristine banana completely unscathed.
Why Do These Patents Exist?
While these patents are a little odd and of suspect marketability, they all stand as a testament to the indomitable nature and astounding depth of human drive and imagination. As only a relatively small number of human beings have ever patented an invention, I would like to offer kudos to every inventor with the grit to push their idea hard enough to eventually received a patent. Congratulations!
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